Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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