He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Drunk walkin through police station. America
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
