Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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