I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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