So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
