he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
