I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize