I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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