Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
