This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
