I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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