the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize