I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
