There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
