Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
