It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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