She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
