Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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