shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
this boner is exhausting
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
