tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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