I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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