He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
