When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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