Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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