So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you will always have a special place in my vag
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
