I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
