i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
