Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
