A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
