I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
