I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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