Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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