I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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