I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
