Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
