She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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