I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
