My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize