I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
