so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize