How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
