Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I need to sanitize my soul.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
