I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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