Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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