im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
