he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
