You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
