She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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