I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
