i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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