It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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