I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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