I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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