found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
