Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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