Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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