fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
