somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
