Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
