Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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