Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
