I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
