Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
