She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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