We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
