My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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