he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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