Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize