Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
